Looking back, I guess I've had some form of anxiety for most of my adult life. I also realize in hindsight that I was having minor panic episodes as early as twelve years old. When I was about 18 years old I finally went to a physician to try to gain some control over the agitation and anxiety I was having. This would be the beginning of what would be about 18 years of benzodiazepine dependence.
Over the course of this 18 year addiction, I tried for various periods of time, most every benzodiazepine available on the market by prescription. I found some of them to make me feel dizzy and not quite with it mentally, which is what I felt during episodes of extreme panic, so these medications did not sit well with me. I ultimately took Alprazolam for a large portion of the time I was dependent, and at the end switched to Diazepam for what would be my withdrawal.
I do not like to use the word addiction when talking about a benzodiazepine dependence, because that word does not really represent what it is like to be completely dependent on a pill. I never got any pleasure from taking any of these medications, and I never had any part of my personality or brain that wanted these drugs for any reason other than to keep from feeling sick, and shaky.
What I did have, was a body that became very sick the longer I took these horrible medications. As I took more, my anxiety and tolerance grew, which meant that I had to take more, which started the cycle all over again, and it repeated like that for years.
Nobody ever warned me that if I really wanted to stop taking these drugs, that I would have to fight harder than I would ever imagine, because the physical dependence is so horrible that I would do almost anything to feel normal again. I even worked in the medical field, and I worked around people who knew this information...and none of them bothered to tell me anything.
One day about three years ago, I finally decided that a life where always needing a pill on my person was not something that I was interested in anymore. I began my long search for the side-effects of a self-induced withdrawal, how to safely do it and what to expect.
Needless to say, even after reading all of the horror stories I was still not really ready, but I forged ahead anyway. I found a wonderful website full of people who had gone through a benzodiazepine withdrawal, lived to tell their story and wanted to help others. They did not want any money or recognition, they just wanted to spare innocent people from some of the horrific symptoms they went through.
I found a fairly customized withdrawal schedule, and I started my long process of withdrawal. It took me over two years to get off of a 40 Milligram per day prescription, and it was just awful. Some people say that a withdrawal like mine can be done in few weeks to a maximum of a few months. I wouldn't wish such a short schedule on any person that I know, enemy or friend.
The pure anxiety and burning skin and feelings of pure doom that you feel on a benzodiazepine withdrawal are something that can not be described. Going through it is absolutely the only way to really understand how terrible it is.
Some days or weeks were really easy as I progressed my daily dose down by fractions, and some weeks were so bad that I had to maintain a dose for periods of a few weeks until I felt better. When I felt better, I would continue my withdrawal and hope for the best.
In the end, my final dose was one-tenth of a Milligram which is a total cut of 39.9mg total daily dose. The difference between 0.1mg and 0.0mg was not much fun at all. In fact, I ended up having to take small amounts every few days just to stay halfway normal, and this continued for a few months.
This drug just would not let me go from its grasp, no matter how hard I tried. The physical addiction to these medications that are legally prescribed around the world daily is something that is impossible to describe.
Feelings of not being a part of your own body, and the feeling that you are going to lose your mind just getting through a stop light are constant. Shaking, sweating and the feeling that you never think you are going to live through the ordeal are a daily occurrence.
The feeling that there are possibly millions of people out there that will have to go through this, or stay on the drug their entire life makes a person feel truly horrible. The only positive thing that someone going through a withdrawal can look forward to, is the fact that it has to be over, eventually.
Benzodiazepines are, in my opinion, completely unsafe drugs that have no business being sold for human consumption. Yes there are warnings on the label, but do doctors really tell their patients how truly dangerous a simple prescription can be? In my case, the answer to that is no.
In the end, I lived through one of the hardest times I will ever have in my life, and I am able to tell the story. I am not ashamed of my so-called addiction, because I would have burned my prescription eighteen years ago, if I was armed with the knowledge that I have now.
If you know somebody taking a benzodiazepine, it is important to understand that they may have to get off of their medication one day. It is even more important to know that this will be very unpleasant for them in all likelihood.
I feel like I have years of my life that have been wasted, and I will never get those years back. I did not sign up to be an addict, or a drug abuser or whatever label people want to put on it. I had bad anxiety, and I wanted it to stop, so I turned to a doctor. I was not warned by my doctor or pharmacist of the dangers I was about to face, and I had no idea that I would spend years under the influence of a drug so powerful that I could barely stop taking it even when I finally had all of my information.
At the end of the day, I lived through it and I can look back on my long withdrawal as something that I do not, and will not ever go through again, so a bit of anxiety is like a vacation in comparison.
Wally Brown likes to write about all kinds of topics that I hope people will find interesting and hopefully helpful. Whether it is a hobby, a life story or just something that piques my interest, I like to share with anybody that is willing to read my thoughts. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Walter_J_Brown |
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